Area Man Calls For Immediate Release Of His Endorphins
July 31, 2006 | Issue 42/31
TALLAHASSEE, FL-With tensions already at an all-time high, the nearly 96-hour standoff between area resident Anthony Shepard and his hypothalamus came to a head Monday when the 32-year-old called for the immediate release of all endorphins back into his bloodstream.
Shepard says he refuses to negotiate and demands an end to all hostilities.
While motivations behind the assault remain unclear, it now appears that Shepard's hypothalamus seized control of his nervous, limbic, and endocrine systems late Thursday night, killing several innocent physical desires such as appetite and sexual drive in the ensuing synaptic fire.
"Earlier this week, events took place between my cerebrum's temporal lobes that can only be described as criminal," said Shepard, who told reporters he was first saddened, then angered, abruptly overjoyed, and saddened again to hear about the complete deregulation of his emotions. "To the nefarious gland responsible for this cowardly act, I know you can hear me. I demand, in no uncertain terms, that you
surrender and cease all hostilities at once."
"We have you completely surrounded," Shepard added.Read the rest here
If you need another laugh read this piece about how Major League Baseball disciplinary officials announced that Ozzie Guillen would be fined $10,000 and ordered to undergo sensitivity psychoanalysis for the "irresponsible, offensive, and completely unacceptable" thoughts that passed through the White Sox manager's mind during Wednesday night's game...